Wordless Wednesday

Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody

And so it goes.  I am continuing to adjust to single life.  But it's a process.

Some of my friends are the "come out and party with us" types.  Thank God they were around on New Year's Eve, or I would have been alone.  How sad would that have been?

Some of my friends are the controlling type. "You need to do this." "You don't need to do that." I know they mean well, but I'm going to do what is best for me.

They may know me well, but only I know my whole story.  Only I know what I truly need. 

I need friends who love me and don't judge me.  Friends who know that I need nurturing.  Friends who not only listen, but hear what I am saying.

I need to learn to take down the wall between me and those few people in my life with which I can achieve true intimacy.

But in order to do that, I need to get reacquainted with myself. I need to learn what I need and what I want.

I need to find what I am passionate about, explore it, and feed it. I need to let my heart heal.

And of that means surrounding myself with friends sometimes, that's okay. If I'm doing something or spending time with someone, in large, to feed my ego, right now I'm just fine with that.

I'm rebuilding my self esteem.  I'm making Gina a better person. Because honestly, for the last six months or so, I did not like who she had become.

Bit by bit, the old me is coming back.

So you'd better look out.

More of the Story...

He never gave me a back rub, because he claimed painful. arthritic hands.  We never took a shower together, because "the shower stall is too small."  He refused to make love in the morning.   We stopped kissing, and holding hands...

The signs of a lack of true intimacy in the relationship were overwhelming, and yet to me, they were status quo.

When we had disagreements, and then arguments, and then fights, he said mean, unforgettable things.  

Things like, "That's it, we're done,""Get the fuck out, I want you gone," and "I don't love you anymore."  He would get on the phone and pretend to call another girl - the girl he had wanted to date before me.  He acted like a selfish child, instead of communicating like an adult.

A few days later, he would come to me, hanging his head, saying that he didn't mean those things, that he still loved me, that he really didn't call that girl.  "I just said/did that to hurt you.  You know that I love you, don't you?"

Although he was the one who talked me into starting a facebook account, he was outwardly hostile that I was reconnecting with old friends.  He would make comments like, "You talking to your old boyfriends?"

And when I started my blog, when I rediscovered writing - something that gave me joy, something that was just for me...well, it was as if I had a taken a lover.

At least a half dozen times, I came home to find all of the computer cables ripped out of the back of the tower.  One day, the mouse was destroyed.  Another time, he threw a remote control at the computer screen, rendering it useless.  He has kicked the tower so many times that the side panels fell off.

And every time he tortured the computer, I reacted less and less, until finally I said nothing at all.

He had pushed my buttons so many times, they just broke.  His actions lost their impact.

And I could not find a reason why I should love him anymore.

So why did I stay?  

I stayed because it was familiar, and what I felt was shitty, but it was better than feeling nothing... 

The very last time that he told me he didn't love me anymore, I did have something to say:

"Ya know what, Mike?  You're stubborn like me.  So, if you tell me that you don't love me anymore, there is nothing I can do to try to change your mind." 

His words had lost their power.  And I had finally found my voice.

What it took to get me to take action was my BFF telling me (not asking), that I was moving in with her.  She told me the date I was to be ready and said "Go talk to your boss, cuz you've only got four days."  And, I played the "good dummy," and went off and did what I was told. 

See? While I am smiling and nodding and telling everyone what a wonderful adventure this is,  I am still hurting inside. And I appreciate that all of you who really know me recognize this. 

But each day, I try to take a baby-step forward towards healing.  

Thank you all, for helping me to find my way.

Just Checkin' In..

My friend's son was kind enough to allow me the use of his laptop for a few hours, so I figured I may as well "check in" with you all.  So here goes...

By now you may have heard that Coco and I have ventured out into the wilderness, on a reprieve of sorts.  Call it a hiatus, if you will.  My ex-boyfriend, Mike, and I had decided to part ways.  But, as break-ups often do, things got dicey - The lease came first, and who would move? 

 It immediately became obvious that would have to be me.  After all, our landlord was also Mike's boss.  Need I say more?

We never really purchased any property together, so that part was simple. I take my stuff and leave him, well, with a dresser and a television, but who cares.

But then, there were the dogs.  Thankfully, we had already discussed the custody of the dogs, in case of a split.  He got Zip, and I got Coco.  But my biggest fear was that he would go back on his word.

Thankfully, 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

If you will recall in my last post,  New Year, New Leaf  there was mention that my friend was "nudged by a man who I didn't even know really."  This gem of a guy had been the one to alert my friend to the urgency of my situation.  He basically told her something to the affect of  "we need to get Gina down here where she can be with people who really care."  

What he told me was that he was trying to put together a plan to get me "home for Christmas."  I was like, "Is this guy for real?"  I quickly realized that a plan had been put into play to move me to San Diego, and not just for Christmas. 

I began to see glimpses of a man who just wanted to "pay it forward" - help someone else, as he had once been helped in a desperate time of need.  I cannot explain how endearing that made him to me.

He and I talked several times during the swift four days during which I furiously packed my things.  I was still working at my job up until the night before I left my old home.  My Angel, as I call him, took the time to listen, and encouraged me to have faith that good things were in store for me.

I left Santa Barbara on a Monday.  One of my dearest friends in the world sent her husband (from a remote location many hours away) in his pickup truck.  His mission: Get Gina, little Coco, and all their stuff, and bring them back to her safe and sound.  

And that's exactly what the awesome hubby did.

I was putting together the last of my things about an hour before the BFF's hubby's arrival.  Suddenly, I felt a tightness in my chest.  I was short of breath.  Even though I was not familiar with this feeling, I knew that it was anxiety.

I immediately texted My Angel.  "Just remember to breathe," he said.  He sent me several humorous and encouraging text messages until all my stuff was packed up and the friend's hubby and I were rolling down the highway with little Coco.  

I had promised him I would call when we got on the road.  When he answered, I heard "Feeling a little better now?"  He couldn't see it, but I was nodding.  I exhaled deeply.

My Angel  is now someone with whom I am becoming dear friends.  I don't think he has any idea just how important he has become to me in such a short time.  Well, maybe he will when he reads this, though my gratitude is beyond words.

Stay tuned.  Coco and I will continue filling you in on our adventures after the holidays.

Until then, everyone have a safe and Happy New Year!!

New Year, New Leaf



Have you ever just awakened one morning and realized that you weren't where you were supposed to be? I don't mean you had too many drinks and woke up in a stranger's bed, or the backseat of your car. But your life had become stagnant, and the person you lay next to at night was gone from your heart;  Even your job had lost it's joy...?
As a person who found pleasure in writing, I became resentful that my partner, in what used to be love, deliberately broke the desk top computer that we had shared. Of course, his logic was that it belonged to him, and thus he could do with out as he chose. But he knew the action of disabling an electronic device was a shot to my heart.
There had been moments like that in our home, and our relationship, for months. Despite our attempts at "discussion" -and I use the term loosely, things had simply stopped working.
So now, I'm turning over a new leaf. With the help of one of my best friends in the world, nudged by a man who I didn't even know really until about two weeks ago, I'm beginning a new chapter in my life.
Coco, my little four-pound bundle of wanna-be dynamite, and I, have embarked on an incredible journey.
Stay tuned, for, though we have no idea what lies ahead, we are ready to face it head-on, and we hope you'll follow along!

The Road

It was dark, and the road was unfamiliar to me.  The road was winding and dangerous, a yellow guard rail the only thing separating us from the vast sheer drop into the valley thousands of feet below.

We were all giggling about something, when I suddenly realized that she was driving too fast. Cheryl, slow down.  This next turn is really tight.  Oh my God, she isn't gonna make the turn.

 

Why were the words screaming in my head, and yet not coming out of my mouth.

It was too late. We crashed through the guard rail, flying out over the valley below.  A small plane came into view ahead of me through the windshield.  And then, I was suddenly very aware of the ground thousands of feet below.  It began approaching faster as the car plummeted.

This is it.  We are going to die.  I began thinking of my son, too young to live without his mom.  Of Mike, and my dad.  Oh God.  I wanted to close my eyes and simply let go.  The interior of the car was eerily quiet.

In an instant, I was gasping, nearly choking.

I sat up.  Damn!  I was in my bed.  

Deep breaths, calm the F*** down. Jesus.  

If you die in your dreams, you die for real, right??

I had wanted to sleep in this morning, but, having successfully woken myself up from this horrific nightmare, I refused to go back to bed now.

My Delicious Lasagna - #LaRomanella Style!! ♥

I have an amazing lasagna recipe, and I have "morphed" it a little so than I could include some of the awesome products from La Romanella - items anyone would want to include in their Mediterranean-inspired dish.  You can find all of the ingredients for this recipe at your local Smart & Final.

Here's what you will need for my lasagna:

For the sauce:
1 lb. La Romanella Sweet (Mild) Italian Sausage
One 25 oz. jar La Romanella Tomato Basil pasta sauce
One 28 oz can La Romanella Tomato Strips with Basil
2 tsps. minced garlic (1-2 cloves)
1 1/2 tsp Oregano
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1 tsp salt

For the cheese filling:
24 oz. La Romanella Ricotta cheese
4 oz. La Romanella Parmesan cheese
2 tbspns. parsley flakes
3 eggs

You will also need:
1 lb.  First Street Mozzarella cheese
One 16 oz box First Street lasagna noodles

Prep time 30 mins.
Lasagna baking time 30 mins.

Cook the lasagna noodles according to the package directions.  I usually cook about twelve noodles, and only use about 8 to ten.  I have a few extra in case they break apart while cooking.

While they are cooking, you can make the sauce.
If you have sausage links, like I used, remove the sausage from the casings and crumble it in a deep saucepan or large pot at medium to high heat until browned.
Add the pasta sauce, tomatoes, garlic, salt and pepper.
Reduce heat and simmer.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Rinse lasagna noodles in cool water, then set aside.
In a medium bowl, combine Ricotta and Parmesan cheeses, parsley and eggs.
Mix thoroughly and set aside.

In a 9" x 13" ungreased pan, place a layer of lasagna noodles (about four) overlapping across the bottom of the pan.  On top of this, spread half of the ricotta cheese mixture.  Place half of the mozzerella slices evenly over the to of that.

So far, so good.  Now spoon half of the sauce and sausage on top of the cheese layers.

Repeat layers again, starting with another layer of noodles and finishing with the sauce on top.

Place in center of oven and bake for 30 mins.

Remove from oven and let stand for 5 to ten mins before slicing.

Enjoy with garlic bread! Abbondanza!!

As part of the La Romanella promotion, 

Smart & Final is giving one winner a trip to 

Sonoma's wine country!  Just go to  

Smart & Final's Facebook Page and 

"Like" the page to enter (winner must live within a 20 mile radius of a Smart & Final

*During this 2-week promotion, there's also a great deal going on - when customers

purchase a Redwood Creek Wine at Smart & Final, 

they will get a FREE 16oz La Romanella pasta!

This project has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for  #CollectiveBias. All opinions are my own