Friday, December 30, 2011

More of the Story...

He never gave me a back rub, because he claimed painful. arthritic hands.  We never took a shower together, because "the shower stall is too small."  He refused to make love in the morning.   We stopped kissing, and holding hands...
The signs of a lack of true intimacy in the relationship were overwhelming, and yet to me, they were status quo.

When we had disagreements, and then arguments, and then fights, he said mean, unforgettable things.  
Things like, "That's it, we're done,""Get the fuck out, I want you gone," and "I don't love you anymore."  He would get on the phone and pretend to call another girl - the girl he had wanted to date before me.  He acted like a selfish child, instead of communicating like an adult.

A few days later, he would come to me, hanging his head, saying that he didn't mean those things, that he still loved me, that he really didn't call that girl.  "I just said/did that to hurt you.  You know that I love you, don't you?"

Although he was the one who talked me into starting a facebook account, he was outwardly hostile that I was reconnecting with old friends.  He would make comments like, "You talking to your old boyfriends?"

And when I started my blog, when I rediscovered writing - something that gave me joy, something that was just for me...well, it was as if I had a taken a lover.

At least a half dozen times, I came home to find all of the computer cables ripped out of the back of the tower.  One day, the mouse was destroyed.  Another time, he threw a remote control at the computer screen, rendering it useless.  He has kicked the tower so many times that the side panels fell off.

And every time he tortured the computer, I reacted less and less, until finally I said nothing at all.
He had pushed my buttons so many times, they just broke.  His actions lost their impact.
And I could not find a reason why I should love him anymore.

So why did I stay?  

I stayed because it was familiar, and what I felt was shitty, but it was better than feeling nothing... 

The very last time that he told me he didn't love me anymore, I did have something to say:

"Ya know what, Mike?  You're stubborn like me.  So, if you tell me that you don't love me anymore, there is nothing I can do to try to change your mind." 
His words had lost their power.  And I had finally found my voice.

What it took to get me to take action was my BFF telling me (not asking), that I was moving in with her.  She told me the date I was to be ready and said "Go talk to your boss, cuz you've only got four days."  And, I played the "good dummy," and went off and did what I was told. 

See? While I am smiling and nodding and telling everyone what a wonderful adventure this is,  I am still hurting inside. And I appreciate that all of you who really know me recognize this. 

But each day, I try to take a baby-step forward towards healing.  
Thank you all, for helping me to find my way.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Just Checkin' In..

My friend's son was kind enough to allow me the use of his laptop for a few hours, so I figured I may as well "check in" with you all.  So here goes...

By now you may have heard that Coco and I have ventured out into the wilderness, on a reprieve of sorts.  Call it a hiatus, if you will.  My ex-boyfriend, Mike, and I had decided to part ways.  But, as break-ups often do, things got dicey - The lease came first, and who would move? 

 It immediately became obvious that would have to be me.  After all, our landlord was also Mike's boss.  Need I say more?

We never really purchased any property together, so that part was simple. I take my stuff and leave him, well, with a dresser and a television, but who cares.

But then, there were the dogs.  Thankfully, we had already discussed the custody of the dogs, in case of a split.  He got Zip, and I got Coco.  But my biggest fear was that he would go back on his word.
Thankfully, 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

If you will recall in my last post,  New Year, New Leaf  there was mention that my friend was "nudged by a man who I didn't even know really."  This gem of a guy had been the one to alert my friend to the urgency of my situation.  He basically told her something to the affect of  "we need to get Gina down here where she can be with people who really care."  

What he told me was that he was trying to put together a plan to get me "home for Christmas."  I was like, "Is this guy for real?"  I quickly realized that a plan had been put into play to move me to San Diego, and not just for Christmas. 

I began to see glimpses of a man who just wanted to "pay it forward" - help someone else, as he had once been helped in a desperate time of need.  I cannot explain how endearing that made him to me.

He and I talked several times during the swift four days during which I furiously packed my things.  I was still working at my job up until the night before I left my old home.  My Angel, as I call him, took the time to listen, and encouraged me to have faith that good things were in store for me.

I left Santa Barbara on a Monday.  One of my dearest friends in the world sent her husband (from a remote location many hours away) in his pickup truck.  His mission: Get Gina, little Coco, and all their stuff, and bring them back to her safe and sound.  
And that's exactly what the awesome hubby did.

I was putting together the last of my things about an hour before the BFF's hubby's arrival.  Suddenly, I felt a tightness in my chest.  I was short of breath.  Even though I was not familiar with this feeling, I knew that it was anxiety.

I immediately texted My Angel.  "Just remember to breathe," he said.  He sent me several humorous and encouraging text messages until all my stuff was packed up and the friend's hubby and I were rolling down the highway with little Coco.  

I had promised him I would call when we got on the road.  When he answered, I heard "Feeling a little better now?"  He couldn't see it, but I was nodding.  I exhaled deeply.

My Angel  is now someone with whom I am becoming dear friends.  I don't think he has any idea just how important he has become to me in such a short time.  Well, maybe he will when he reads this, though my gratitude is beyond words.

Stay tuned.  Coco and I will continue filling you in on our adventures after the holidays.
Until then, everyone have a safe and Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

New Year, New Leaf

Have you ever just awakened one morning and realized that you weren't where you were supposed to be? I don't mean you had too many drinks and woke up in a stranger's bed, or the backseat of your car. But your life had become stagnant, and the person you lay next to at night was gone from your heart;  Even your job had lost it's joy...?
As a person who found pleasure in writing, I became resentful that my partner, in what used to be love, deliberately broke the desk top computer that we had shared. Of course, his logic was that it belonged to him, and thus he could do with out as he chose. But he knew the action of disabling an electronic device was a shot to my heart.
There had been moments like that in our home, and our relationship, for months. Despite our attempts at "discussion" -and I use the term loosely, things had simply stopped working.
So now, I'm turning over a new leaf. With the help of one of my best friends in the world, nudged by a man who I didn't even know really until about two weeks ago, I'm beginning a new chapter in my life.
Coco, my little four-pound bundle of wanna-be dynamite, and I, have embarked on an incredible journey.
Stay tuned, for, though we have no idea what lies ahead, we are ready to face it head-on, and we hope you'll follow along!
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