He never gave me a back rub, because he claimed painful. arthritic hands. We never took a shower together, because "the shower stall is too small." He refused to make love in the morning. We stopped kissing, and holding hands...
The signs of a lack of true intimacy in the relationship were overwhelming, and yet to me, they were status quo.
When we had disagreements, and then arguments, and then fights, he said mean, unforgettable things.
Things like, "That's it, we're done,""Get the fuck out, I want you gone," and "I don't love you anymore." He would get on the phone and pretend to call another girl - the girl he had wanted to date before me. He acted like a selfish child, instead of communicating like an adult.
A few days later, he would come to me, hanging his head, saying that he didn't mean those things, that he still loved me, that he really didn't call that girl. "I just said/did that to hurt you. You know that I love you, don't you?"
Although he was the one who talked me into starting a facebook account, he was outwardly hostile that I was reconnecting with old friends. He would make comments like, "You talking to your old boyfriends?"
And when I started my blog, when I rediscovered writing - something that gave me joy, something that was just for me...well, it was as if I had a taken a lover.
At least a half dozen times, I came home to find all of the computer cables ripped out of the back of the tower. One day, the mouse was destroyed. Another time, he threw a remote control at the computer screen, rendering it useless. He has kicked the tower so many times that the side panels fell off.
And every time he tortured the computer, I reacted less and less, until finally I said nothing at all.
He had pushed my buttons so many times, they just broke. His actions lost their impact.
And I could not find a reason why I should love him anymore.
So why did I stay?
I stayed because it was familiar, and what I felt was shitty, but it was better than feeling nothing...
The very last time that he told me he didn't love me anymore, I did have something to say:
"Ya know what, Mike? You're stubborn like me. So, if you tell me that you don't love me anymore, there is nothing I can do to try to change your mind."
His words had lost their power. And I had finally found my voice.
What it took to get me to take action was my BFF telling me (not asking), that I was moving in with her. She told me the date I was to be ready and said "Go talk to your boss, cuz you've only got four days." And, I played the "good dummy," and went off and did what I was told.
See? While I am smiling and nodding and telling everyone what a wonderful adventure this is, I am still hurting inside. And I appreciate that all of you who really know me recognize this.
But each day, I try to take a baby-step forward towards healing.
Thank you all, for helping me to find my way.